Humans Are Humans

May 10, 2017

I moved my bed to the window so I wake up to the sun dancing on my sheets.
 I go to sleep counting the stars and waiting for the moon to fully set. 
I think the night is the hardest, because the only chaos that goes on is in my head. 
Who knew silence could echo. To be quite frank, I've been half assing it lately. 
My heart hasn't been in much. I drag my feet up everyday and walk around like a rag doll. 
The harsh reality has become that I have been placing my faith in a human instead of the Creator who painted the skies I watch so fondly.
 I've dug a hole in my own self pity and have been too prideful to reach out for His hand. 
Humans are humans. 
They let us down and leave us in naive vulnerability. 
I wake up to a new reality now. My faith doesn't belong to humans. 
My joy isn't reliant to humans.
 Fragile and small, 
We are so embraced by the One who won't let us down. 
I'm glad God is a patient teacher, because I keep having to learn about this over and over.

To Those Who Forget To Love Themselves

March 28, 2017

I can tell you love loving people. You love the joy that comes from uplifting someone. You love the light in their eyes after you make their stomach hurt from laughter. You are the friend who pushes your hurt bestie to tell them what is really going on. You see the heart rather than skin. You are the one listening to them spill every burden out to you, but when someone asks you what is wrong, you lie and say that "you are good".

You feel as if your position is to love and not to be loved. You feel as if you are suppose to be the "strong one". You are the one known for always smiling, so you don't want to let others down. While you care for others and repeat "you are loved", you forget to do the same thing to your reflection.

You and I share the same heart.

I have a hard time extending grace to myself. I have a pride problem. I tell myself that vulnerability is weakness. I hide behind a facade.

Let me step a little out of my shadow and speak my truth.

I am so consumed with myself -- my own self-doubt, my body, my thoughts. I prepare my own conversations. I go over and over each word in my head before I actually say it. While I absolutely love community, sometimes my heart weighs me down in social situations. I scream but nothing comes out. I cry but am seen with a smile on my face. I am so consumed with my body, my weight, the meals that I put into my mouth. I beat myself up for failing or being wrong. I look at other people's lives and wish I was them. I am a liar. I lie to myself that I am inadequate -- too small.

I forget to love myself.

Oh, do not forget to extend grace to yourself.

Psalm 119:50 // "This is my comfort, my consolation, and my breath of fresh air in the midst of my depression and loss. Your Word nourishes and repairs, it revives my life and your promises restore me and make me whole."

This is your truth. You are loved. You are wanted. You are enough.

You are not perfect. You will never be perfect. Stop striving for perfection.

Revive your life with His breath.

You are worthy, because our Jesus is worthy. You are beautiful, because your fragile self was made by our strong God. We are renewed each morning. His Word. Every time. It sets me straight. It reminds me that I am chosen and beloved. The enemy is so attacking you right now.

Like you love other people, love yourself fiercely. You were worth the cross. You are worth your own grace. There will be days that you so badly want to be "strong" and "courageous". My dear, being strong and courageous does not mean putting on a brave face after a bad day. Being strong and courageous means being humble and letting Christ take the throne.

My pride problem is what leaves me broken and on the floor wishing someone would ask a second time "now, what is really wrong". It leaves me looking for band-aids and not looking for healing, It leaves me feeling lonely and abandoned. Our Lord heals. Let me repeat that, Our Lord heals. He conquers. He embraces. Surround yourself with community. Be taught truth and not the world's lies.

You were made for so much more than looking at the mirror and doubting your self worth. You were made to love everyone endlessly -- that includes yourself. The next time you feel unwanted open the Word that declares you are chosen.

1 Peter 2:9 // "But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God's special possession, that you may declare the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His wonderful light,

Did you get that?

1. We are His chosen people. Our Holy Savior chose us, He chose us! Why? Just because He loves us. If a perfect Father can love His children so much that He sends His Son to die for us, don't you think our imperfect selves should be able to love ourselves.

2. We are to declare His name, Our lips are made for praise not for self-deprecation. I am so guilty of shaming myself that I forget that I was made to speak the goodness of our Father.

3. He pulls us out of darkness, He is our fortress. He is our light, He did not compromise His grace even in our dire circumstances. He never compromises.

These principles are why we should extend a little more grace. I am so speaking to myself right now and not just you. My prayer for you is that you will say the same thing in the reflection as what you say to others. Guard your heart against petty lies. Affirmation upon affirmation is written in the Bible. Don't fight the war that wages in you alone. Fight it with the Word in one hand and God as your guide.

Let's be consumed with something deeper than our flaws and imperfections. Let's be consumed with the endless, gracious love of our Father.

Here Is To Speaking My Novels

March 27, 2017

This is quite literally how I like to sit on my couch. 

Feet in the air, hair strung every which way, and words upon words tumble through my brain. 

An endless library has placed itself where my mind is. 

Pages and pages of incoherent scribbles.

Words of hope and love seep so deeply. 

I cover up the scribbles with neat penmanship. 

Where my hurt is, I dash it with a "t".

 Where my troubles lie, I dot it with an "i". 

My novels are all fiction. 

I cover up my feelings with beautiful calligraphy and mesmerizing metaphors. 

I speak in poem instead of truth.

 I dog-ear the pages but never go back to them in fear that they will become the front cover. 

Here is to speaking honestly, committing to unlocking the vault, losing pride and gaining transparency. 

Bold prints. Italicized ache. My heart longs for more than crazy fonts that serve as a distraction of the reality. 

Loosening the binding that tightly wraps itself around me. 

Here is to speaking the novels that I keep to myself. 

Here is to letting myself be an open book -- the kind that's pages bleed passion, a fierce love, and tender transparency. 

Here is to being the tiny doodles on each corner -- dancing freely, living boldly.

- m.c.

This Is For You Who Hides Fear Under A Brave Face

March 6, 2017

Slowly, I am learning that pain is inevitable, but it is not eternal.

Slowly, I am learning that even the sunshine will fade and the storm will pass (I realize how dark and moody I am starting out here). The things of this world that I dwell on for oh so long are only temporary. The test that I failed does not write itself as my name. The tears of my anxiety do not stain themselves to me. The fear trembling within me does not take its throne on my heart. 

I am a perfectionist. I make it a point to always be right. I rearrange my room until it looks good enough for me to go to sleep in. I get up at 2am to rearrange it again. I hold myself to a higher standard. I am disappointed in myself when I fall short. I don't settle for people. I would rather be seen as strong than be held in someone else's arms. I would rather console than be consoled. You will see the smile on my exterior rather than the frown on my interior.

I get it. 

I understand you who stands there with a brave face.

I understand the heavy heart that bears itself in you. I understand the feeling of holding back tears in excuse to "be there for others". 

I understand the insecurities that tumble around in the forefront of your mind. 

Ugly. Useless. Inadequate. Fat. Fearful. Worthless. They all share a part of your heart. You will never tell anyone, but you wish you were someone else. You will never tell anyone, but fear controls a big part of you life. Don't lose yourself in the lies. Don't lose your worth in the whirlwind of doubt. Commit yourself to something more than the bolts and nails. Commit to more than glue and tape. You cannot fix everything, and you can not hold yourself to fixing everything. You have brokenness and that is okay. Put down your tools and retreat to something bigger -- Someone bigger. 

When we don't find security in ourselves, we can always find it in the beaten cross. When the tears break out of their place, that does not mean "weak" writes itself on you. Because you are loved completely, there is an identity in you given by a great Father. Your name is child. Your name is His Child -- His Daughter, His Son, His Chosen People. Take yourself off the throne and allow our King to rule. Allow yourself to feel. 

When I was younger I went to my grandmother's funeral, I wore bravery on my face but sadness inside. As my little legs dangled, I sat high in the pews and gave a tissue to my dad. I had the perception that crying was not okay -- you shouldn't do it. Other people are hurting so go help them. When I was sixteen, I wore the same bravery for my dad's funeral. I stuffed my grief inside and packed it deep. I decided to ship it off rather than deal with it face to face. I didn't want to feel. I didn't want to appear as weak or broken -- sad and small. I feared pity, When I went out, I saw the eyes that followed me, so I made sure I would smile as wide as I could to prevent their "how are you"s or "are you doing okay". I made sure to do the normal. Be normal. I found out that when I ship out grief it will be returned and left at my doorstep. I also learned that by living through a facade I was not getting the most out of the new community cultivated from the new church I started attending. I was not growing by being rooted in pride. I was not discipling by fear that someone would see right through me. I was not living freely or happily, because I had chained myself to myself. Sweet words of truth hung itself around my room. The empty Bible beside my bed became filled with notes and sticky notes and highlighted pens. I learned that my chains, my burdens are for the Lord and not for me. He wants us wholely -- broken, grief-filled, trembling.

Psalm 119: 114-120 // "You are my refuge and my shield;    I have put my hope in your word. Away from me, you evildoers,    that I may keep the commands of my God!Sustain me, my God, according to your promise, and I will live;    do not let my hopes be dashed. Uphold me, and I will be delivered;    I will always have regard for your decrees. You reject all who stray from your decrees,    for their delusions come to nothing. All the wicked of the earth you discard like dross;    therefore I love your statutes. My flesh trembles in fear of you;    I stand in awe of your laws."

Here, Jesus simply tells us that our hope should be in Him -- our refuge should be in. Instead of fighting your own battles, let Him be you warrior. Instead of uses bandages to cover up your wounds, let Him heal you. Oh, our Jesus did not come to this earth to die for us, so that we can keep sustaining ourselves in ourselves. He came so that our sins would be wiped clean, and that we would know who is on the throne. He came for broken people. Rest in that, because He came for you. Because He came for you, you need to know that your brokenness does not belittle you. You are loved despite of it.

You, Yes, you. Thank you for being strong, but remember that your strength does not come from yourself. Remember that you alone cannot do everything. I am sorry if that bursted your bubble, but I had to be told that straight up as well. I had to be told that not everything falls in my hands. I had to be told not to let pride be my downfall. I had to be told to share my heart and what truly hides behind my slight smile. Anchor your soul in Him who is a whole lot stronger than you.

I cannot truthfully say that I have stopped sucking up my feelings. I am still working on that -- working on being completely transparent with people. I can say that I am finding my true identity -- I am reminding myself of to Whom I belong. 

This is for you who hides fear under a brave face. Do this with me. Lift it high and wave your flag. Let go and let God pull you back up. Let Him lead you faithfully and show you His strength -- His love, His mercies. Stand in awe of His great name and know that you are His. Be reminded of the stripes He bears for You, the pierced hands he wears for You. You are strong, but He is stronger. Let His love live in your heart rather than the fear you have chosen to hide.


// I would love to hear from you, comment below or email me at:

Five Ways You Can Actively Be Supporting My Mission Trip

March 2, 2017

Five ways you can actively be supporting my mission trip to Guatemala:

1. Pray - pray, pray, pray. Your prayers for my team and myself would mean everything to us. Please pray for the lives that we will come across while over there. Pray for our hearts as God is gently molding us each into His disciples.

2. Give - $2,806. That is the total cost, and we are half way there, friends. When you give, you are giving towards the ministry that we will be doing over in Antigua. You are giving towards the kids' VBS -- where we will sing, dance, and teach about our sweet Jesus. You are giving towards the woman and men that we will come across and hear their stories. You will be giving towards the people I love yet have never set my eyes on. You can easily give online or mail a check to Adventures in Missions. 
You can give by purchasing a key for my fundraiser or booking a photoshoot with me. You can message me if you feel led to give, and I can give you more information. 

I AM $400 short of my first deadline. I would love your help. 

3. Spread the word - Share with your friends and family about my ministry. Let people know about my Guatemala trip and maybe even direct them to me!! 

4. Write cards and letters - I am collecting cards and letters to give out to these sweet people. Be creative!! Have fun with it. Write out your heart onto these cards for me to give out when I get to Guat.

5. Keep updated - you can subscribe to my newsletters that I send out every few weeks. In those emails, you will receive an update on my fundraising, new fundraisers, and more Jesus rants. My blog will be filled with more blabs and updates as well!! You can subscribe on this blog.

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