Brokenness Labelled Me

November 29, 2016

I am in a rut.

Creatively, emotionally, socially. 

I want to be done wallowing in my own shame. I want to be done playing the childish game of hide-and-seek with my companion, Fear. While I try to make everything polished and tidy on the outside, my inward brokenness is just being tucked away. Why do I do this? Why do I wallow up everything inside? Brokenness is pounding on the doors that have it locked up inside. I don't have it all together like my big, toothy smile perceives. I use pretty sentences and adjective adorned phrases to hide my contempt.

Sadness is trying hard to befriend me.

I want a shoulder to cry on. I want someone to ask if I am okay. I want so many things and feel selfish. Things are so different now. I would've never imagined my life to be like this three years ago. 

Lord, why do I keep burying myself? What is holding me back from fully giving You my burdens. I need Your grace --so immeasurable, so relentless. I want You. Please. Please. Give me strength. Give me discernment. Give me joy. Give me that shoulder. Help me to stop running.

Pull me from my hiding place.

There is separation from me and Peace. Yes, I am being raw. Yes, this is me being vulnerable. The other day, I saw something beautiful. When you see something beautiful, you speak of it.

I saw people honoring people.
People loving people. 
People enduring heartbreak with people.
Through the tragic loss of a soldier, strangers, friends, came together to pick up the shattered pieces of hearts -- not to put band-aids that read "it's going to be okay" on the cracks but to carry the burden with each other.

Silent salutes and sad smiles were exchanged.

This uplifted me. It reminded me that my journey was not meant to be traveled alone. My journey has been bumpy. I'll sure admit that. My heart has been cracked in so many areas. I am aching over grief. Loss. Rad thing though. My brokenness has been used for God's glory. He has filled the cracks with joy and truth. He has given me abundance and grace. Ah, real grace! A grace so concrete that it fills the crevices. I still have days where darkness wants to hinder my joy, but God keeps shining His light. He wants to use your brokenness. He wants to use it for healing. He wants to reveal your mess into His masterpiece. For my struggling souls out there, your flaws only add to your beauty. Take your shattered pieces and lift it up to our Maker.

One thing remains: His unlawful grace.

As I sat with my hands wide open and my heart ready for what God had for me, a song came on from my dorky-named playlist, Rave for Jesus and a verse was read. 

Psalms 37: 4 // "Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart"

This verse has really been my heart. 'Delight' repeats in my head. Find joy and satisfaction in Him -- our good good Father, our abundant Maker. This world can never give you what your heart hurts for. He's given me the desire to delight in Him and seek Him through serving others. My brokenness is being used in a place where I can share with others and encourage them -- where I can grow with people and share my heart with people.

His love surrounds us when our thoughts weigh us down.

I think a lot -- maybe too much. That is why I have a million Jesus Rants in my phone and another thousand list of thoughts of ideas. I, for real, have a list of all of the puns I have made up at 2 a.m. in the morning.Hey, God has you in His hand -- no matter the burden or the weight of it. 

This is not my label. Brokenness is not my name. I am not defined by it. I am refined. 

John 14:27-31 // "27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. 28 You heard me say to you, I am going away, and I will come to you.’ If you loved me, you would have rejoiced, because I am going to the Father, for the Father is greater than I. 29 And now I have told you before it takes place, so that when it does take place you may believe. 30 I will no longer talk much with you, for the ruler of this world is coming. He has no claim on me, 31 but I do pas the Father has commanded me, so that the world may know that I love the Father. Rise, let us go from here."

 Philippians 4:12-13 //  "I know how to be brought low and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." 

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