This Is For You Who Hides Fear Under A Brave Face

March 6, 2017

Slowly, I am learning that pain is inevitable, but it is not eternal.

Slowly, I am learning that even the sunshine will fade and the storm will pass (I realize how dark and moody I am starting out here). The things of this world that I dwell on for oh so long are only temporary. The test that I failed does not write itself as my name. The tears of my anxiety do not stain themselves to me. The fear trembling within me does not take its throne on my heart. 

I am a perfectionist. I make it a point to always be right. I rearrange my room until it looks good enough for me to go to sleep in. I get up at 2am to rearrange it again. I hold myself to a higher standard. I am disappointed in myself when I fall short. I don't settle for people. I would rather be seen as strong than be held in someone else's arms. I would rather console than be consoled. You will see the smile on my exterior rather than the frown on my interior.

I get it. 

I understand you who stands there with a brave face.

I understand the heavy heart that bears itself in you. I understand the feeling of holding back tears in excuse to "be there for others". 

I understand the insecurities that tumble around in the forefront of your mind. 

Ugly. Useless. Inadequate. Fat. Fearful. Worthless. They all share a part of your heart. You will never tell anyone, but you wish you were someone else. You will never tell anyone, but fear controls a big part of you life. Don't lose yourself in the lies. Don't lose your worth in the whirlwind of doubt. Commit yourself to something more than the bolts and nails. Commit to more than glue and tape. You cannot fix everything, and you can not hold yourself to fixing everything. You have brokenness and that is okay. Put down your tools and retreat to something bigger -- Someone bigger. 

When we don't find security in ourselves, we can always find it in the beaten cross. When the tears break out of their place, that does not mean "weak" writes itself on you. Because you are loved completely, there is an identity in you given by a great Father. Your name is child. Your name is His Child -- His Daughter, His Son, His Chosen People. Take yourself off the throne and allow our King to rule. Allow yourself to feel. 

When I was younger I went to my grandmother's funeral, I wore bravery on my face but sadness inside. As my little legs dangled, I sat high in the pews and gave a tissue to my dad. I had the perception that crying was not okay -- you shouldn't do it. Other people are hurting so go help them. When I was sixteen, I wore the same bravery for my dad's funeral. I stuffed my grief inside and packed it deep. I decided to ship it off rather than deal with it face to face. I didn't want to feel. I didn't want to appear as weak or broken -- sad and small. I feared pity, When I went out, I saw the eyes that followed me, so I made sure I would smile as wide as I could to prevent their "how are you"s or "are you doing okay". I made sure to do the normal. Be normal. I found out that when I ship out grief it will be returned and left at my doorstep. I also learned that by living through a facade I was not getting the most out of the new community cultivated from the new church I started attending. I was not growing by being rooted in pride. I was not discipling by fear that someone would see right through me. I was not living freely or happily, because I had chained myself to myself. Sweet words of truth hung itself around my room. The empty Bible beside my bed became filled with notes and sticky notes and highlighted pens. I learned that my chains, my burdens are for the Lord and not for me. He wants us wholely -- broken, grief-filled, trembling.

Psalm 119: 114-120 // "You are my refuge and my shield;    I have put my hope in your word. Away from me, you evildoers,    that I may keep the commands of my God!Sustain me, my God, according to your promise, and I will live;    do not let my hopes be dashed. Uphold me, and I will be delivered;    I will always have regard for your decrees. You reject all who stray from your decrees,    for their delusions come to nothing. All the wicked of the earth you discard like dross;    therefore I love your statutes. My flesh trembles in fear of you;    I stand in awe of your laws."

Here, Jesus simply tells us that our hope should be in Him -- our refuge should be in. Instead of fighting your own battles, let Him be you warrior. Instead of uses bandages to cover up your wounds, let Him heal you. Oh, our Jesus did not come to this earth to die for us, so that we can keep sustaining ourselves in ourselves. He came so that our sins would be wiped clean, and that we would know who is on the throne. He came for broken people. Rest in that, because He came for you. Because He came for you, you need to know that your brokenness does not belittle you. You are loved despite of it.

You, Yes, you. Thank you for being strong, but remember that your strength does not come from yourself. Remember that you alone cannot do everything. I am sorry if that bursted your bubble, but I had to be told that straight up as well. I had to be told that not everything falls in my hands. I had to be told not to let pride be my downfall. I had to be told to share my heart and what truly hides behind my slight smile. Anchor your soul in Him who is a whole lot stronger than you.

I cannot truthfully say that I have stopped sucking up my feelings. I am still working on that -- working on being completely transparent with people. I can say that I am finding my true identity -- I am reminding myself of to Whom I belong. 

This is for you who hides fear under a brave face. Do this with me. Lift it high and wave your flag. Let go and let God pull you back up. Let Him lead you faithfully and show you His strength -- His love, His mercies. Stand in awe of His great name and know that you are His. Be reminded of the stripes He bears for You, the pierced hands he wears for You. You are strong, but He is stronger. Let His love live in your heart rather than the fear you have chosen to hide.


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